A Lonesome Christmas Eve

It Is Christmas Eve and I sit here alone to dwell upon the mistakes of my past. I consider sadly, the lost and lonely years that were wasted inside of a massive body that served as my protector from the outside world. The overabundance of food and alcohol that I vehemently consumed created a wall around me which kept the pain out and my emotions in. The walls increased, day by day…brick by brick until it was so lofty that I felt that I might smother myself. I sat inside the prison that I had created for nearly 20 years, until finally I found the courage to seek help. Bravery guided my journey to freedom, and that, along with steadfast determination paved the way to my subsequent liberty and independence.
Tonight, I sit here, physically half the person that I once was, yet spiritually twice the person that I used to be. The stillness of the night is deafening yet oh so perfect for reflection and meditation. I shake off the lonesomeness that envelopes me and I begin to count my blessings.
Let the snow fall from the sky like tropical rain…I will be safe and warm in my cozy little home, in front of the fireplace, wrapped in a thick red blanket. Tonight, I will read and write and drink hot cocoa with miniature marshmallows, enjoying what will most likely be the first snowstorm of the season. My puppies will surround me, thankful for the unexpected evening they will spend sleeping on my lap. I could complain but I won’t. I could be angry that my Christmas Eve was spoiled because I am alone, but I will not. Instead, I will breathe and pull open all of my drapes and curtains, allowing myself to be hypnotized by the brightness of a giant silver dollar moon. In great serenity I will watch the snowflakes pile up and cover all that is ugly.

A power much greater than I can imagine, has decided that I need this time to myself; A day to slow down, relax and reflect on all things good. And that is what I will do. I will lose myself in words, music, snowflakes and marshmallows. What was meant for today can wait until tomorrow. A bit of silence is good for the soul.
Merry Christmas my friends…..
Alana Marie

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