I have spent too many days of my life saying no and things like… I can’t….I won’t…and I have never….In doing this, I have missed out on so many things that would have enriched my life and made me whole. I was afraid to try so many things because of my fears and insecurities. Yes…a year ago…and for many years before that, things were much more difficult. I was stumbling through life with “a dead body” on my back. Everything I did was difficult. To walk to my car was a chore. Day by day, I watched as my world became smaller and smaller as I became bigger and bigger. I really felt the world closing in on me as I slowly began to accept the fact that I probably wouldn’t be around long enough to grow old. Even the few things that gave me hope in my life slipped away…and I stood by and let them go. I did not feel like I deserved to be happy and worked hard at making myself and those around me miserable. I built a wall and pushed away those I loved and shut out a couple of beautiful souls, either of which I could have built a real life with. Instead I found myself in a “relationship” with food and alcohol…neither of which had any love for me.
I awoke one day at 4 in the afternoon after a weekend of binging on junk food and drowning my senses in alcohol, and it all hit me. I laid there and cried…until not a single teardrop was left. That was the day I decided to take my life back. January 16, 2011, My NEW LIFE BEGAN. I spent the bulk of that year learning discipline and restraint. I began this incessant journey by giving up and letting go (something I had already proven myself to be quite good at) only this time I let go of the things that were stealing my life.
Today, almost 3 years later I find myself at a different place. It is a place of hope and promise. Every single day I feel stronger, healthier and more ALIVE. Every pound I shed gives me greater freedom….the freedom to stop saying no and instead scream out yes…Yes…YES!. Every day I try something new, go somewhere I have never gone and say yes to something I would not have even “been able” to do just one short year ago.
I am not going to sit and watch life pass me by….sitting in a chair with a 25 year old spirit imprisoned inside of an 80 year old body. I intend to start living my bucket list now, today. There are regrets I have for things I did or DID NOT do in my past. I have realized that it is not too late to make things right. I know what I want and where I am going. I am not afraid anymore. The only regret that I will have in my life is my remorse for a life that was half over before it ever began.