To Be Normal

To Be Normal
I sit here at my desk, contemplating what to share with you today. As I look out the window and watch the raindrops fall from the sky, my mind revisits a darker period of my life. It was a place where time stood still and my little office window was my only connection with the outside world. After years of massive eating rituals, I found myself weighing well over of 500 pounds and a prisoner in my little apartment. I spent many hours sitting in my office chair staring at the world outside, listening to the children laugh and play below while the birds chirped and twittered above. I felt much like a goldfish confined to a tiny fishbowl, swimming in circles, day after day, while outside there were oceans, lakes and rivers that would never be explored.
On summer days, I watched and wondered if the sunshine would ever touch my milky, white skin again. Would I ever experience the marvelous sensation of the sun’s intense rays warm my face and light up my soul? Would I walk across lush, green meadows where I might feel the cool blades of grass beneath my feet? What about the hundreds of miles of sandy beach which surround my glorious state of Michigan? I longed to experience scorching hot sand between my toes on a blistering August afternoon while I watched the searing red sun fall from the sky in into Lake Huron.
As I began to shed pounds and regain my strength and stamina I dared to dream bigger and venture even further outside of my comfort zone. I made it my purpose to enjoy once more, the simple pleasures I had longed for. My hopes and aspirations began to change and evolve as my chains loosened. I timidly planned excursions to places I had not visited in decades; the zoo, a movie theater  even an art fair. Simple fun for “regular” people but an exhausting adventure to someone like me.
My desires continue to change and grow as my body transforms. I wonder now, how long it will be until I am secure enough to climb aboard the pistachio green bicycle that sits in my garage, poised and ready for our maiden voyage. I dream that one day, on my daily walk through the park, my feet will find wings and push me forward fast enough to feel the thrill of running once again. I crave to feel my feet pound against the pavement while the muscles in my calves ache from fatigue…to collapse from exhaustion after having raced incessantly along the endless circle around the park.
I realize now, that I am different and I am not like everyone else. I have tried so long and so hard to fit in, that I did not realize how courageous, strong and resilient I had become. I am a powerful human being with more resolve and steadfast determination than most of these so called “normal” people will ever possess. Today….this very moment, I say to myself….Why settle for being normal… when I have become so good at being extraordinary!

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3 comments

  1. Elaine says:

    You are truly inspirational. I’m really struggling with my weight loss journey. It is getting me down. So much of what you say is how I feel. It is good to know that other people have struggled and succeeded. I’m making tomorrow the new chapter in my life.

  2. Kelly Gibson says:

    Wow, words are failing me at the moment but I felt so compelled to post about your blog. You have touched so many raw nerves with me it is uncanny. Thank you for the honesty and frankness of your words. It makes it easier to put personal struggles into reality. To be ‘normal’, to have acceptance and comfort in ones own skin are not everyday experiences but feel like luxuries for the elite. No longer. I have started my own weight loss journey and I’m currently experiencing the usual highs and lows. If your words can offer nspiration and comfort to just one person(many many more I’m sure) you will have achieved success. Good luck Alana, x

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